July Flashes

This month’s parameters were:

Length: 200 words

Genre: Comedy

Key word: jump

See below for the entries. Vote for your favourite at the bottom.


Title: The Walking Bear

Word Count: 200

Little Johnny spent weeks plotting his revenge against his sister. She had dobbed him in yet again and this time he thought if he was going to get in trouble he better make this one a really good prank. Sneaking into her room he found her favourite teddy bear, stuffing it up his shirt he ran as quick as he could back to his room and started pulling just enough stuffing out of it to get his toy robot shoved inside. His sewing skills were not great but he got it back together enough to stop the robot from falling back out. He hid it under his bed and managed to sit through dinner with the perfect poker face. Laying awake in bed after dinner, waiting just long enough till he thought she was just dozing off, he sneaked to her bedroom door and pushed her teddybear inside. Switching the remote on, it started walking towards her bed. His stifled laughter was soon drowned out by her shriek as she opened her eyes hearing a noise and seeing her teddy walking towards her.  Jump would be an understatement, she freaked out so much all her covers fell off the bed.


Title: Salt

Word Count: 175

In the Gospel According to Himself, salt was a sacrament. He was Born Again in the desert, where soldiers were fed tablets of salt.

As the army could do no wrong, lashings of salt were mandatory with every meal. If we were tardy in the use of salt, a knife pointed at our plate. He would bang the table and storm ‘Salt!’ in a voice that made us all jump.

Mum never protested. Perennially pregnant, every year producing a new little salt-cellar, we thought she was as scared of Him as we were.

‘Dad, did you know they reckon salt makes you horny?’

Mouthfuls of masticated salty food spewed across the table. Seven heads swiveled like spectators at tennis to look at my big sister.

Did she say ‘horny’?

To Dad?

At the table?

There was no explosion. Sis was forgotten.

Mum was on her feet. She made a basket of the apron that stretched over her swollen belly. Plucked salt from the table. Cleared the cupboards of salt. Emptied her apron into the bin.


Title: The Unexpected

Word Count: 203

Of late, Andrew had been coming home late after work, taking phone calls outside, smelling of perfume and leaving for a few hours each Saturday afternoons.

Judy was a little suspicious, they have been married for 10 years and things had been going well but with work asking her for more time on the road, and Andrew’s work on the housing development, they honestly had not much time for each other.

That Saturday after lunch, Judy decides on following Andrew to see what is going on. As Andrew had grabbed his car keys Judy mentioned something about going to the library and see her sister. Andrew directed the car toward town, while Judy followed him from a short distance.

After getting into town, Andrew parked the car and headed to a small studio above some shops. As soon as he was out of sight Judy followed Andrew to confront his woman. But according to the sign on the door, this was no ordinary meeting, it was for next month’s Annual Men’s Charity “Run and Jump in Heels” Competition. Judy had not been expecting this!! Walking in, Judy spotted Andrew in a pair of purple 7 inch heels and feather boa!


Title: Fiftieth Wedding Anniversary

Word Count: 197

The engine noise smothered my banging heart. For our fiftieth wedding anniversary we’d received the ‘thrill of a lifetime’. My lifetime was about to end. The seventy year old wife looked ecstatic—she loved adventure. I hid my feelings; if she could do this, so could I. The instructions were comprehensive—with rules galore. One such rule—make sure nothing loose is taken with you on the jump. I knew my toupee would be safe as it was tucked inside the compulsory helmet. My wife looked delirious as she was strapped to a well-built male. She grinned at me and I gave her a feeble wink. I was as uncomfortable as all hell having to be clipped so close to the front of my bloke, his hot breath in my ear. Get ready, came the instruction, and before we knew it we were away. She went first—I followed two-seconds later. Oh, the lightness! Oh, the wind! A gust smacked me in the face making my lips loose. I was about to respond to the instructor bellowing, ‘How are you?’ when fingers of wind whipped my dentures from my mouth. Some farmer will struggle with that mystery.


Title: The Client

Word Count: 198

The Gap, Sydney – cliff famous for suicides.

“Well – yer gonna do it?”

“Piss off you perverts.”

“You will regret it.”

“Nah you won’t, love. Research indicates instant death. Problems over in a second.”

“You are so pretty. Your sweet head will be crushed when you hit the rocks. Seagulls will pick at your brains and the waves will wash your body out to sea.”

“Statistics demonstrate you’ll pass out as yer fall. Won’t notice a thing.”

As she looked down at the violent sea below, the young woman rubbed her forehead. Shivering, she lifted her beautiful head; her blond curls flying about in the gale. Stealing a glimpse to her left and then her right, her muscles contracted into hard balls.

“Jesus Christ. Are you going to jump or not?”

“What? I came here to clear my head – creepy drag queens. But I reckon that man standing on the cliff edge is.”

Recovering, she ran for dear life.

“God. I hate wasting time.”

“Nick off yer cramping me style!”

“Psychotic devil.”

“Oi! Don’t get yer wings in a knot.”

“Go to hell.”

“Jump, mate.”

“Jesus Christ, don’t jump. However, if you must…”

“This one’s mine. Jump!”

VOTE HERE! Winners announced at our Readings session at M.A.D.E on Sunday July 27th as well as on FB, Twitter and via email.

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