Congratulations to Mike Simmonds as the winner of April’s Flash Fiction competition. His story, Entry 4 Wanda Makes It Home, was voted the best.
Genre: Children’s fiction
Word count: 250 words
Key word: underpants
Entry 1 Undie-Head
“What are you doing?”
“Get those undies off your head!”
“Are those dirty undies?”
Josh ran around the house naked except for a pair of undies worn as a hat upon his head.
His little ears poking out beneath the leg holes of his Thomas the Tank Engine red undies.
He laughed like a crazy person.
The naughtiness of wearing undies on his head making him more determined as I chased him around the house.
“I’m undie-head. You can’t catch me,” he cried as he dove around the couch.
I lurched after him. Dodging the toys on the floor. I grabbed him by the ankle. Tickling him as I struggled to remove the offending dirty underwear from his head.
“I’m the undie-man, you can’t catch me,” he cried in laughter as he wriggled free from my grasp.
The game continued as he ran down the hall and hid under the bed.
“Come out, Mr Undie-Head,” I called as I bent down and looked beneath the bed.
The offending child was curled in a ball, the undies still on his little blonde head, cuddly Scruffy the dog. Scruffy was wearing a pair of mummy’s lace knickers. (195 words)
Entry 2 A walk through the playground
Mum says it’s only embarrassing if you care what other people think. Like the day that Darcy Dwyer sneezed so hard that a slimy, green snot bubble the size of a beach ball exploded out of his nose. It was a gigantic booger bubble. Bigger than his head. He didn’t care. He laughed as hard as the rest of the class did. Soon, all the boys were trying to blow snot bubbles out of their noses to be just like Darcy, until Mrs Atkins had to yell to make them stop. Boys are so gross. Then there was the time at recess when Jake Kirkwood dropped a bottle of apple juice on his lap and it spilled all over him. It looked like he had piddled in his pants. But it didn’t bother him that everyone called him “piss pants” for the rest of the day. He just shrugged and sloshed back to class. But I care what people think. It bothers me that people are still laughing at me, even now that we are back in our classroom, sitting quietly at our desks while we silently read our library books. I can hear them snickering and whispering. At me. About me. They are giggling because I walked through the entire playground at lunch time … WITH MY DRESS TUCKED INTO THE BACK OF MY UNDERPANTS. I. Want. To. Die. Snot bubbles and piss pants are nothing compared to this. I am not coming back to school ever again. EVER. (250 words)
Entry 3 Thank Your Undies
Underpants are here to stay
Fresh ones are required every day
Listen to your mother
When she tells it’s worth the bother
Do not wear them on your head
Or hide them under your brother’s bed
When you take them off
Pop them in the wash
Fear not the dream
Of no underwear to be seen
Rest assured that when you go to school
You will not ridiculed for being a naked fool
And thank your underwear
For covering your derrière (81 words)
Entry 4 Wanda Makes It Home
Wanda stared down at the rock with the smiling eyes, wondering where she was.
She swung her head left, then right. She looked up. The sky was the same shade of purple as her favorite scarf. In the book she had started reading, Tales from Bolgundia, the sky was purple too.
“No, hang on.” she thought. The sky is purple and the spaghetti growing on the trees is the same colour as the ….. “The grass! The grass is YELLOW!”
“Really! This is like, you know, like BOLGUNDIA! What? It can’t be!” she blurted. “How did I get here?”
“You are going to tell me I am in Bolgundia, aren’t you?” Wanda asked the rock.
Famous for its’ bad jokes, the rock replied…..
“Of course it’s Bolgundia. Where else would I be? I do like the idea of visiting somewhere else. The problem is that I don’t have a bum. With no bum to stop them falling down, my underpants will….. you guessed it, fall down. I was always told to never wear pants without underpants, and I wouldn’t go anywhere with no pants on! So here, in Bolgudia, I stay.”
The rock chuckled but Wanda was about to cry. She bowed her head. “How did this happen? What is going on?” She said feeling confused and frieghtened.
A hand rested gentley on her shoulder. Wanda looked up and saw a tree with a friendly face….. no wait, mum’s face?
Yes mum’s face!
“Wanda, time to wake up my girl.” (250 words)
Entry 5 The Underpants
Has anyone seen John’s underpants?
Which lay upon that chair,
freshly washed in soapy water,
dried on the clothes line by the morning sun.
Where can they be?
Not here, not there,
under the chair, the table,
behind the couch, on the television
inside the fridge, on top of the oven.
They’re blue and yellow with polka dots of purple.
Where can they be?
They’re no where to be seen.
I’II look outside. No, not on the clothes line,
not in the wash basket, not on the ground
with ants running around.
Did someone sneak inside while I wasn’t looking?
Taking those underpants upon the chair?
Did a bird from the sky of blue
fly them to its nest in a tree of green ?
Did an emu run past, snatching those underpants
in his big black beak? To try them on later to see how they fit.
No! No! This can’t be true.
Those underpants are here.
But where? Oh where can they be?
I’ve no time, I’ve things to do.
They’ll have to wait, with things to do,
I can’t be late.
Before I leave, there’s one thing to do.
Lazy dog Sid, asleep in his basket, must go outside.
“Wake up Sid. Out you go. Come on, don’t be slow.”
Up Sid gets from his basket.
Lo and behold what do I see?
His brand new bed of
blue yellow and polka dot purple.
The underpants! (239 words)
Entry 6 Three Pegs Each
I’m sitting on Gramma’s back steps catching the sticky orange drips from my icy pole before they fall onto the hot tiles. When I miss, the drips make a little sizzling sound. We are talking about what Grade four was like when she was my age and how different it was. I go back to school in three days and I really don’t want to. I’m enjoying the quiet life at Gramma’s farm way too much.
I can hear the horses in the back pasture. Pop is feeding them their hay and they must be hungry. They are usually huddled under the big tree in the corner when it gets this hot. I tell Pop a lot that he needs to plant some more big trees for them; they like the shade.
Gramma is hanging out the washing on the line. Its great drying weather she says. Every time she hangs something up, the sun seems a little less bright and hot on my skin. She calls my name suddenly, in a voice that isn’t quite hers; and I look up at her. She falls to the dusty ground, sort of in slow motion; her hand grasping at the line as she goes down. The washing line spins slowly above her, rows and rows of huge white underwear go by, pegged on with three pegs each. (226 words)
Entry 7 Under and Over
Charlotte stood with arms akimbo, facing off with her Mother.
‘No’, she said.
‘Charlotte, you’re a big girl now. You sit on the toilet like Mummy and Daddy. No more nappies. And that means you wear underpants.’
‘No’, said Charlotte again.
Her mother sighed. ‘Will you wear them when you go outside? You will slide fast, faster than with your bare bottom.’
‘Slide hot. Too hot,’ said Charlotte.
‘Char-la, everyone wears underpants. Would you like to see some really pretty ones?’
Mummy went to her Christmas drawer and found the bathers she had been saving for the summer. She held them out in front of her. They were pink, of course. She reversed them, stretching the elastic to show Charlotte the rows of turquoise ribbon bows.
Charlotte smiled and made a grab for them, but Mummy was quicker. ‘You must wear them today and tomorrow. All day. Lets mark it on your calendar.’
Charlotte’s big brown eyes were fixed on her mother. She nodded slowly.
Mummy handed her the little bathers and Charlotte put them on her head. If she looked up from under her eyebrows she could just see the turquoise bows.
‘Charlotte, we don’t wear panties on our head.’
When Daddy came home they were still on her head.
‘I must put my undies on my head,’ he said.
‘I will put mine on too,’ said Mummy. And they sat down to eat their dinner.
‘You look funny’, said Charlotte laughing. ‘You too,’ said Mummy and Daddy. (249 words)